“Living with autism”. My personal experience as an Asperger person.
Hello Medium community. Today I want to touch on a complex topic, little known and recently widely treated by psychological and therapeutic science; high functioning autism. I’m Asperger, I only learned about it this summer, by chance, following an introspective journey that began a few years ago.
I have always felt strange, “different”, as if I didn’t belong on this planet.
The same sentence that we read in Dr. Claire Sansbury’s book in philosophy, when she speaks of herself during her school years, when, unlike the other children, she was sitting on the sidelines, unable to interact, hear their own voice, eager to be part of the group like everyone else, but without succeeding in its intent. I would say that I find myself 100% in this consideration as I have only spent most of my life, sometimes surrounded by people yes, but never fully integrated into the context of the group, always thinking that there was something in me with it.
They see us as cold, closed, detached people, relegated to their world unable to understand what surrounds us.
I don’t think so; people like us have more developed senses on average, they feel, see and perceive exactly like others, only we do it differently and much more intensely; everything appears magical, enchanted, interesting and meticulous. We do not perceive time as ordinary people, always in a hurry, always and only thinking about material things, we like to focus on the things we like, only us, on some details or one in particular. In my case, I’ve never had a specific obsession that allowed me to excel at anything in the long run; a “periodical” as I like to define myself, a multifaceted, who loves to do many things, and constantly change, always looking for stimulating and exciting things that can gratify my unusual appetites for interests at that moment.
I have always dabbled in a thousand things, I played around for years, I graduated in Human Sciences, I took a course in graphics and design, I worked in a thousand contexts, I traveled enough and I will do it again as soon as possible, and now I’ve been busy as a crypto artist on one of the most interesting platforms in the NFT world; SuperRare.
Manifestations and symptoms for excellence.
In my case, no particular distinctive signs appeared; I was a bit hard in understanding and learning, quite tending to loneliness, very quiet, taciturn, I had very strong fantasies, I loved drawing and tended to shut myself up in a world of my own. Today, when I discovered my condition when I was “only” 35 years old, I can say, I would have liked to have been diagnosed as a child, it would have been a miracle and a sanctification; why do I say this? because I realized that not knowing anything about one’s functioning, one’s way of thinking and seeing the world, and above all, why we find it so difficult to confront and place ourselves in social contexts has meant that I built a fairly negative idea of life, of others and contributed to the construction of my false self. Convincing ourselves that we are wrong, inept, strange and suffer from bullying that very often are inflicted on people like me, does not help us but already weakens us in a world whose dynamics we struggle to understand.
An early diagnosis, on the other hand, can help the person to grow better, more aware, in harmony, to know what differentiates him from others, how others think and consequently can help him to fit into a context in a fully aware way. This does not guarantee success, of course, but at the very least, it will give this person the answer to an unconscious question that plagues us all; who am I?. The main distinctive features can be summarized as follows:
- rigid and syncopated interests,
- sensory hypersensitivity,
- inability to sustain gazes,
- lack of empathy,
- inability to recognize some emotions on the others faces,
- social inability
Dr. Hans Asperger, in 1944, defined his children as the “little teachers”, because they knew everything about a specific subject :). Obviously there are others, but I report this one so as not to make mistakes. In case of greater interest, consult a relevant scientific site or service.
We all want to be loved, only Asperger people don’t know how.
People who deal with us tend to see us as numb, cold, aloof, deadpan, quirky, bizarre, selfish and sometimes narcissistic; It is not so. All appearance, if you look better under the invisible armor that takes the superfluous gaze away from what really lies beneath, you will see a warm, apprehensive and sensitive structure in its own way; the problem that we are not able to show it. I am grumpy at times, angry, neurotic, bizarre and appear cold, but at times I am moved to listen to a passage that I associate with an important remote life episode. Memories resurface in the mind, the mind begins to spin and the soul warms up, the eyes shine, but the trouble is that when this happens, I am always alone and no one can assist.
A unique way to be Asperger does not exist.
People tend to believe that a pervasive developmental disorder or disorder such as that of the autism spectrum is the same in all affected people; there is nothing more false. Asperger’s people, I remember, is a syndrome with characteristics associated with the autism spectrum, it does not manifest itself equally in all people despite the diagnostic criteria highlight the usual traits on the character tables, but the seriality of the behaviors is much wider. As the term says, we speak of a spectrum, so consequently we can go from the Aspi who are not independent in the things of daily life to those who move openly in social life; what makes the difference are the experiences that we live during life and the meaning we associate with them and the quality of the relationships we have throughout life. There are many Asperger people, very intelligent, who cannot keep a job, others are confined to their own world and never leave it, others have countless degrees and do not work, others degrees and a prestigious professional environment that welcomes them etc. it all depends on the context in which we grow up and on how the syndrome manifests itself and on the reactions that people around us have towards us.
Remember, when you meet an Asperger, you have seen one :).
Thank you for reading, hope it could be helpful if you have someone besides you or a child that is affected by Asperger syndrom; hope could be enough clear.